My mom sent me an email...

My mom sent me an email. My response was... well, less than brief. 

So I thought I'd share most of what I sent her. Lots of personal revelations and blah blah blah... :) 

Little bit of background: I've had an on-again off-again relationship with cigarettes since freshman year in college. Lately it's been more on-again than off. 

Gross.

So a week ago I asked my doctor for help to quit for good. He put me on some meds that are having a real effect on my life... for the better. 

Ahem: 

Hey mamma! Ready for a long response? Cause... basically, I wrote a blog.

My bad. 

I'm doing good. I'm doing better than I was a week ago that's for sure. Not only am I needing to smoke less, but I feel more productive in general. I don't have as much a desire to just lay in bed and sleep or watch TV on my phone. 

So that's a plus.  

I'm trying to really listen to God and figure out how He wants me to life my life. I feel like I've been straddling this line btwn living for me and living for Him for a long while.  

I've been asking and asking for God to give me "signs and directions" and blah blah blah. Fact of the matter is, I know the kind of life he wants me to live. But it requires sacrifice. And I know this. I've done it before and it's hard- it's hard to not be the "cool friend" that doesn't talk about God all the time.

It's hard to feel judged for trying to be righteous. 

It's hard enough to have "friends" who choose not to be around you bc you're "too good" and they feel convicted or feel like you're constantly judging them with your heart. 

Its harder when its people you really love and care about. I think I've been most afraid of how those people will react if I fully surrendered. I don't know if that's lame or silly or what but I really think it's one of the reasons I've even dragging my feet, asking and pleading for signs. 

And then I wipe the sleep from my eyes, blink, and look and see that I'm leading worship in kids church, I have my own worship team that I lead in "big church" (which is what i went to college to do- hello...) I'm teaching two workshops at our mini-worship camp this summer, I'm helping with VBS this year, my role in the children's dept. seems to grow every time I breathe (which I'm totally psyched about btw) and I'm getting more involved in women's ministry as well. 

A sign? How bout a zillion. 

I've discovered more this week about myself than I have in a while. And I really believe it's the meds. They're really helping me get control of the negativity and depression. I can't believe it took me this long. 

Sigh. So yeah. I'm good. :) I love you mamma. Keep praying for me. I know living full out for Christ is what I really long to do... It's just so hard to be set apart like that. I know though, that word after word after word has been spoken over me through out my life about the fact that I am to be set apart. That god has plans for my life that require me to be set apart. Not alone, but walking intimately with him. 

I can't keep living in the middle. I can't keep straddling what I think I want and what God wants. Without two feet on a firm foundation, I wobble and break. I have to trust God to take care of my heart. I have to trust God to take care of the hearts of the people I love that don't and won't understand why I live the way I live and sacrifice the things I do.

My heart aches for them, for their hearts. But my heart aches for God more. In the end, He wins. :) He has to. And He does. Every. Time. 

So that's where I'm at. I have to take care of me right now, inside and out.

Whew so yeah. There. You asked. ;) 

... 

And there you have it. A glimpse into the way my brain explodes  when my mom asks, "HOW ARE YOU???? INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW!!!" 

:) 

love. love. love. 

PS: here's an adorable picture of #holdenthecat because I can. It's my blog. 

I’m trying to learn... [PART 1 OF 4]

It’s been a few days. Sometimes I feel like if I don’t have something super spiritual or incredibly awesome to say it’s not really worth posting… Then I remember that, for as much as I post for y’all, I’m really just posting to help me think through whatever it is that is swimming through my brain.

So here is the randomness that resides in the corners of my mind...

I’ve decided to make this a four part series over the next four days. The more I tried to think of things to write well… the more I thought of things to write! :)

I’m trying to learn: how to not be wasteful. [PART 1 OF 4]

Time: At work, there isn’t much to do. The workload is shifting to the new folks and the time spent in idle is steadily increasing. It’s hard not to trifle about doing so much of nothing for hours on end. Basically I’m getting paid to do whatever it is I feel like doing. I wish I could bring my guitar b/c that is really what I feel like doing most of the time but I have a feeling that may be crossing the line juuuust a bit.



Tired, lazy & dying cat



But as I cross of the days on my little office calendar, I start to feel more and more like the cat on this month’s picture in the aforementioned calendar. Tired, lazy and dying. 

I spent an entire 10 hour shift yesterday watching episodes of Monk on my iPhone (thank you hulu), browsing through Pinterest and trying not to fall asleep. I got home and I felt like crap. I was a little disgusted with myself for not doing ANYTHING productive.

No. I felt a lottle disgusted. (Lottle: more than a lot, direct opposite of little)

I got home, had some nourishment and promptly fell asleep. I’m pretty sure it was somewhere around 9, 9:30 when I went to bed. Not okay.

Today I determined I would find a more productive use of my time. And I’ve succeeded – ish.

I did some actual work [insert shocked expression here], printed a bunch of lead sheets for new songs I’m learning to play, wrote a couple emails I needed to write and studied my Temporary Nanny Orientation materials for class tomorrow. That lasted me ohhhhh four hours. Sigh.

SO I found a bunch of crochet patterns on line and printed them off, and now I’m blogging. What's a girl to do?

Money: Money is something I’ve had to learn to use responsibly the hard way. In college I fell susceptible to the beautiful web of lies credit card companies often spin for young adults away from home who don’t have their parent’s whispering words of wisdom in their ear.

I am grateful for the low limits I was given and am happy to say, I have one card left and it is almost paid off. It’s taken me 4 years out of college but I’m finally so close. Makes me want to dance like Snoopy…

I’ve been through the Financial Peace University, I have an account on mint.com, and I know how to do a budget. (I secretly have for years. shhh... don't tell anyone.) I’m a whiz at excel and I know I can make it work. I am just finally deciding it’s worth it to go through the pain, frustration and tweaking until I get it right.

I don’t want to be wasteful. I don’t want to feel like I’m not making good use of my time & money. I’m about to have a new job where I am my own boss. The money I make and the nanny jobs I take are solely dependent on me making sure I’m keeping up with my calendar and booking the jobs I need to book.

Yes, it gives me more opportunity to manage my own life, volunteer for more and work on the things I want to work on, but if I don’t book jobs, I don’t work. If I don’t work I don’t earn money and if that doesn’t happen well… I won’t go there.

Besides all that, I’m also about to depend on other people for financial support. As a missionary, I’m not expecting to draw a paycheck. I know I have to be VERY clear about where my money goes because people will ask. My supporters will want to know how I’m spending my time, what I’m doing to further God’s kingdom and where their money is being used.

I know God is Jehovah Jireh – my provider.  ^“So Abraham called that place ‘The Lord Will Provide’. And to this day it is said, ‘On the mountain of the Lord it will be provided. (Genesis 22:14 NIV-UK)”

I was raised on the belief that God will give you what you need. Maybe not everything you "want" but if you choose not to eat beans & rice for dinner because you've had it already this week and you're throwing a temper tantrum, then you can see that God will provide the same bowl of beans & rice for breakfast the next morning. (thanks mom & dad...)

I’m still apparently learning how to fully depend on Him for the gazillion things I seem to need. I’m also trying to learn how to live with less. I’m reading a book right now by Jen Hatmaker called. “7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess.” It’s really good.

Good at making me feel like I’m a glutton in every area of my life. Good at making me really stop and think about how much useless stuff I really have crammed into this little life of mine. She goes way in depth and looks at seven areas of our lives where we have too much stuff. Food. Clothes. Spending. Media. Possessions. Waste. Stress. It's heavy. It’s such a convicting book, I’ve stopped reading it. Twice.

It’s crazy. My friend Alison is actually currently writing a blog covering her “Summer of Seven.” She is fully focusing on the impact this book has on her life and the life of her beautiful blended family. You should check it out because it’s really honest and real.

Anyway. I feel I really am learning how not to be wasteful. It's a process & it’s hard. Not the same hard as not eating solid food for 60 days but difficult nonetheless. I desire to be a good steward of what God has given me, in every area of my life. And I know, with His help, I can be.

love. love. love.

“Come on Daddy! Walk faster!”

I recently had a passing conversation with a couple friends about what the importance of kneeling before God. Coach mentioned that she didn’t really remember ever really getting on her knees to pray & Mrs. Bear agreed it was not something she regularly did.

 This exchange has been ruminating in my mind since; several questions have been bouncing around all week. Is it important? What does it mean? Do people really do it? Do I really have to?

I mean come on… it’s just uncomfortable. It cuts off the circulation to my feet and leaves weird carpet marks on my knees and makes me stick my butt out all weird. What if people see? Is it really something that I’m missing in my relationship with Christ?

Then this morning in my devotion I re-read Ephesians 3:14-19 (MSG) and my perspective shifted.

Here, read it…

 ^14-19My response is to get down on my knees before the Father, this magnificent Father who parcels out all heaven and earth. I ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit—not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength—that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in. And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you'll be able to take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ's love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God.

We bow because we love Him. We get down on our knees (or sometimes our faces) and prostrate ourselves before God as a sign of submission. We humble ourselves and let go of everything we are and everything we feel we deserve and say, “Here God, have it… take every single part of me.”

In this fast, I find I am constantly failing. I am growing yes, I am being stretched and changed but I also fail - with a capital “F”.

Saying you are leaning on God for strength and actually leaning on Him are two very different things. Every day I find another area where I’m trying to accomplish things in my strength.

I love & hate this.

I love it because it means I’m growing and I’m listening more and more to the HS. I hate it because it means I have to change yet again. I have to bow down, give that part of me to Him, open that door and let Him in to that area of my heart.

In her book Hearing From God Each Morning Joyce Meyer says “People who are self-sufficient often think depending on God is a sign of weakness. But the truth is that by drawing on the ability of the HS, they can accomplish more in their lives than they ever could by working in their own strength”

(I know I’m stuck on this “His strength/my strength” kick lately but I just can’t help it. God is revealing more and more to me each day so if you’re bored with my rantings take it up with Him.)

When we humble ourselves, listen to the HS and allow Him in we find that “glorious inner strength” that Paul was talking about in Ephesians. We really, honestly, truly do not have the strength to face the things of this world.

We can’t help it! It’s how we were made. We were created to worship and depend on God. And He wants us to do it! It doesn’t bother him that I come to him day after day, time after time and ask for more strength, more forgiveness.

He loves it.

He loves me.

He wants me, all of me, every part.

So I try. I fail, but I try.

I walk beside God, hand in hand, like a little girl and her Father. He knows the speed I need to keep because there are cracks in the pavement. He is tall and wise and can see the path ahead so He keeps a steady pace. But I’m anxious; I’m excited & I feel like He’s moving to slow.

I pull on His hand, “Come on Daddy! Walk faster!” But He keeps His stride. So I pull and I press on and I pick up speed and let go of his hand.  He loves me enough to let me too. So I run and I’m happy and I’m excited and I don’t pay attention and I miss the crack in the sidewalk.

I fall. I bump my knee and it hurts. It stings and I’m bleeding. I fell in front of everyone and I’m embarrassed. I try to be brave but this pain really hurts and there are people looking. So I cry.

God walks up beside me, stoops down and holds me in His arms and comforts me. “It’s ok… I’ve got you now.” With love he wipes the tears from my eyes, kisses my forehead & bandages my wounds. We start to walk again, my little girl hand in His big, strong Daddy hand.

Someday I’ll learn. Someday I’ll recognize the soft squeeze of His hand and the gentle warning that I’m speeding up. I’ll hear his voice and feel the love and recognize that He knows best.

I cannot wait for that day.

Until then I will get on my knees. I will ask for strength. I will humble myself, die to my desires and let Him in. Let Him in so much that I feel I may burst. I will listen for His gentle warnings and I will surrender my desires for His will.

love. love. love.

Convo with God, aka: 2 Weeks

Its loose.

I put a shirt on this morning that I’ve not worn in a while and it’s loose. It’s not falling off or huge on me or anything but I can for real see signs that this thing is working.  Some people at worked asked about what I was doing at work today. They can’t get past the beets in my juice this morning and the spinach that awaits me this afternoon but I’m ok with that. They noticed.

I want to quit probably 5 thousand times a day and this morning is no exception. The juice is boring and it’s getting under my skin and I have this conversation with God multiple times a day and it always ends up the same way.

“Hey God.”

“Hey”

“Sooo this juice thing, I did 2 weeks. That’s enough right?

“Is it?
“Well you see… I’m really bored with it and I don’t think I can drink this juice that’s staring me in the face, the straw is taunting me God.”

“Can’t you?”

“It’s so hard! I just want to eat a cracker! Hell, I’d even eat a plain Wasa cracker. Oh... sorry I said Hell.”

“I forgive you.”

“I just don’t think I can do it God… there’s so much more time to go. I really think I’m not gonna make it, it’s to hard!”

“I asked you to be obedient.”

**sigh**

“I am your strength to ‘stick it out over the long haul’ (Col 1:9-12 MSG) ok?”

“Ok. As long as you got this – because I positively do not."

So that is my life for now. I drink my juice, turn to Him again and again, and I make it through. I’m being stretched and changed every day. Just as I am starting to see my body change I am seeing my heart change too.

I cannot wait for the day I realize I’ve stopped complaining about how hard it is. Until then, I know that He still loves me.

love. love. love

Jedi Knights & the Traveling Juicer

This was absolutely a whirl-wind of a weekend…  Let’s see: monster headache, surprising weight loss, traveling juicer, mini-Jedi knights, pedicure, bad movies, sad goodbyes, excellent teaching, long nap & an evening swim.

Pretty much a great weekend.

Thursday was day 7 of this juice fast adventure. I hadn’t juiced enough the day before and I found out what happens when you don’t - the hard way. Nasty headache, erratic sleep, unpleasant tummy trouble, let’s just say – I will never do that again.

I’m still learning how my body tells me I’m hungry. It’s different now. 11 days off solid food and it’s still a little hard to tell when I’m actually hungry or just need to drink more water. But I am starting to see the signs. It’s no fun when your blood sugar level drops so low you feel like you’re going to pass out. It takes about 15 minutes to prep, juice, & clean up before I can get juice in my system. It’s a lot of work but worth it.

I did lose 16 pounds last week sooo… there’s that. ;)

I am really excited about the changes I can see in me and those that others can see as well. It’s worth not eating the cupcakes, Leia Buns, Wookie Cookies, and Kenobi Krisps at my Nephew’s Star Wars Birthday Party to drop these pounds & break into this freedom. The party may have been my hardest challenge yet. That or the incredible Mexican food consumed next to me in the car... But I'm still doing it!

I’ve had to travel across town and bring my juicer & all my veggies with me two weekends in a row. It is a beating. I'm sure I'll have to do it again, next time I’ll just make sure to bring the spout. It’s a funny thing trying to effectively use a juicer without it’s spout. Not an easy task.  

I am hearing God more clearly lately. I also hear Him saying I need to spend more time with Him. I hear Him when He wakes me up an hour before my alarm in the morning, I hear Him when I’m driving across town late at night and I hear Him when I’m worshiping in the afternoon.  

One thing I’ve discovered is much like the different hunger queues, I am beginning to hear Him in different ways and making sure I’m spending enough time “juicing” my spirit man is still a learning process as well.

So I’m not giving up! I’m staying strong and looking forward to the end of this process... :)

love. love. love.

Answers...

Why a 60 day juice fast you ask?

1)      To lose weight.

2)      To break my addiction to food and overeating.

3)      To renew my commitment to be Obedient to God in everything.

Ok, let me clarify a little bit about this journey I’m on.

I’ve wanted to be a missionary for a while. I can’t say a long time b/c it wasn’t until college that I finally stopped running into the brick wall that was my plan for my life and turned around to see a glimpse of the amazingness that is God’s plan.

Where to? Well that’s easy. I’ve been in love with England for as far as I can remember. I’ve wanted to live there from the moment I learned that my mother had a sister waaaay across the pond. So England it is but when?  

A year ago I was on a short term mission trip to Mexico and I heard God’s direction more clearly than I’ve ever heard before in my life. “You have one year. Get ready.” 2 sentences + 1 command = 1 VERY excited Stephanie.  At least for a while... A year is a long time. [but not really]

Fast forward 6 months & you find me moving across town, signing a yearlong lease and trying to ignore the comments of a certain worship leader about how “he thought God told me I only had a year left in November” [;)]

 Official move in day was a Friday night. The beginning of the most epic week I’d had in a while.  Long story short, I moved in, cut my foot, mirror shattered, heard an amazing sermon on what church really is, had beautiful communion and worship with my friends all culminating to a Thursday morning surprise meeting at work where they tell us we’re all getting laid off at the end of August.

Well then…

So, even though I told God “We’ll see,” about the one year time-line He was obviously serious.

So now I’m getting ready, for realsies.

I’m paying down debt, saving money, putting my name out there, deepening my relationship with Him, and finally addressing my biggest hindrance with this desire.

My weight.

It’s been my greatest challenge in my life for as long as I can remember. I was crying out to God one night, really questioning how I was even going to be able to survive living in England with all this weight and the struggle I have with overeating. I heard the faintest whisper. “Let me have it.” Come on God! I need answers, am I supposed to have surgery? I’m losing my JOB God, I can’t waste the vacation time and the recovery time and the money on that! “Let me have it.” I’m just going to have to put it off. I will start now and I can be ready to go in a couple years. “Would you just let me have it?!”

Woah.

Ok, you can have it. Please take this burden, help me find the strength to overcome this. Again and again I’ve prayed to let Him have it but I’ve never truly given God my struggle. I’ve never sacrificed my pleasure, my desires, my opinions and just given Him all of it.

Until now.

Now I’m on this fast. This 60 day fruit & veggie juice fast. It’s insane and difficult and incredible and weird and I’m on day 5 and I don’t want to quit yet. I’m doing it for the three reasons I mentioned at the top of the blog. I’m doing it for me, for my future husband, my future kids, my family, and the people God has called me to love and serve and share His Gospel with. I’m doing this as a sacrifice for Him. He gave me His life… I can give Him two months of solid food.

Love. Love. Love.