Convo with God, aka: 2 Weeks

Its loose.

I put a shirt on this morning that I’ve not worn in a while and it’s loose. It’s not falling off or huge on me or anything but I can for real see signs that this thing is working.  Some people at worked asked about what I was doing at work today. They can’t get past the beets in my juice this morning and the spinach that awaits me this afternoon but I’m ok with that. They noticed.

I want to quit probably 5 thousand times a day and this morning is no exception. The juice is boring and it’s getting under my skin and I have this conversation with God multiple times a day and it always ends up the same way.

“Hey God.”

“Hey”

“Sooo this juice thing, I did 2 weeks. That’s enough right?

“Is it?
“Well you see… I’m really bored with it and I don’t think I can drink this juice that’s staring me in the face, the straw is taunting me God.”

“Can’t you?”

“It’s so hard! I just want to eat a cracker! Hell, I’d even eat a plain Wasa cracker. Oh... sorry I said Hell.”

“I forgive you.”

“I just don’t think I can do it God… there’s so much more time to go. I really think I’m not gonna make it, it’s to hard!”

“I asked you to be obedient.”

**sigh**

“I am your strength to ‘stick it out over the long haul’ (Col 1:9-12 MSG) ok?”

“Ok. As long as you got this – because I positively do not."

So that is my life for now. I drink my juice, turn to Him again and again, and I make it through. I’m being stretched and changed every day. Just as I am starting to see my body change I am seeing my heart change too.

I cannot wait for the day I realize I’ve stopped complaining about how hard it is. Until then, I know that He still loves me.

love. love. love

the better way...

13 days. That’s how long it took for me to look at a fast food restaurant and not want to eat the sign.

The past two days have been, I think, my hardest yet. I wasn’t juicing enough and my blood sugar levels were making themselves known. I was tired and weak and just didn’t feel great overall. All I wanted to do was go to bed.

But nooooo. I had to go to woooork. All day yesterday I just wanted to go home. I had a negative attitude, my body was hurting, I was starving and the chick who sits across from me got Philly cheese steaks from this new place around the corner and proceeded to eat them and talk about them for at least an hour.

Now, we have cubicles here at work but they’re these short stupid things that we can see and talk to each other over (see picture to the right.) This makes being on a juice fast difficult. SO needless to say, I so wanted to go home.

But I didn’t. Mostly because I couldn’t.

But I was getting on my nerves.

You see, I’d changed my focus and it was hurting me, literally. I took my eyes off the real reason I’m doing this. I changed my focus from my desire to be obedient and get closer to God, to focusing on the things I couldn’t eat, the places I couldn’t go and the funky, boring juice I’d been drinking for 12 days straight.

I didn’t come to this conclusion on my own. Nope. I went to CPR class (which was creepy and hilarious all at the same time - see picture to the left) and I got certified. I went to the grocery store with the lovely Mrs. Bear and stocked up on essentials. I went home, put the cold stuff away and went to bed.

I caught up on my “With Friends” games, spent some time on Facebook and gave myself 10 minutes to look at Pinterest before I spent some time with God. 45 minutes later my phone rang. I was lying in bed, hungry & tired and having a raging pity party but I answered it anyway.

I didn’t want to answer the phone for 2 reasons. 1) I was grumpy & 2) I knew that my BFF would ask me how I was doing and she would weasel out of me the truth (as she always does) and make me talk about what I didn’t want to talk about.

And she did.

She’s good at that. We’ve been friends for oh 8ish years and no matter how many miles are between us, she always manages to look me in my face and find out what I’m not telling her.

So we talked. She shared things going on in her life, we prayed a little and I tried to wrap up the conversation with no avail. She caught me. She reminded me why I am really doing this, gave me some insight, made me shed a few tears & gave me  a couple of God inspired passages to check out for encouragement.

By the end, I was excited again. I remembered why I went to the grocery store and came home with only fresh produce (see picture on right). She reminded me that Jesus was tempted, and He did not falter. She reminded me what the Holy Spirit had been screaming at me all day but I couldn’t hear b/c I was complaining way to loud.

If that wasn’t enough, during the course of that phone call I got messages from two other close confidants checking in on me, letting me know they’re there for me and encouraging me through this. As I look back, yesterday was chock FULL of encouragement from friends and family near and far.

All of this together plus His strength renewed every morning led to this morning’s revelation.

I watched a car pull up to the Golden Arches this morning and my first thought, my VERY 1^st thought was, “No! There’s a better way!”

My second thought was “What the what?! Did I just say that? I don’t want a bacon egg & cheese biscuit? Woah.”

And then I cried.

I cried with joy thanking and praising God for this seemingly small yet GIGANTIC breakthrough. I am (thanks to some lovely math by my personal coach through all this) over 20% of the way thorough this fast. I am 13 days in, ready for more and about to down a spinach-apple-carrot-strawberry juice and loving it.

Love. love. love.

Jedi Knights & the Traveling Juicer

This was absolutely a whirl-wind of a weekend…  Let’s see: monster headache, surprising weight loss, traveling juicer, mini-Jedi knights, pedicure, bad movies, sad goodbyes, excellent teaching, long nap & an evening swim.

Pretty much a great weekend.

Thursday was day 7 of this juice fast adventure. I hadn’t juiced enough the day before and I found out what happens when you don’t - the hard way. Nasty headache, erratic sleep, unpleasant tummy trouble, let’s just say – I will never do that again.

I’m still learning how my body tells me I’m hungry. It’s different now. 11 days off solid food and it’s still a little hard to tell when I’m actually hungry or just need to drink more water. But I am starting to see the signs. It’s no fun when your blood sugar level drops so low you feel like you’re going to pass out. It takes about 15 minutes to prep, juice, & clean up before I can get juice in my system. It’s a lot of work but worth it.

I did lose 16 pounds last week sooo… there’s that. ;)

I am really excited about the changes I can see in me and those that others can see as well. It’s worth not eating the cupcakes, Leia Buns, Wookie Cookies, and Kenobi Krisps at my Nephew’s Star Wars Birthday Party to drop these pounds & break into this freedom. The party may have been my hardest challenge yet. That or the incredible Mexican food consumed next to me in the car... But I'm still doing it!

I’ve had to travel across town and bring my juicer & all my veggies with me two weekends in a row. It is a beating. I'm sure I'll have to do it again, next time I’ll just make sure to bring the spout. It’s a funny thing trying to effectively use a juicer without it’s spout. Not an easy task.  

I am hearing God more clearly lately. I also hear Him saying I need to spend more time with Him. I hear Him when He wakes me up an hour before my alarm in the morning, I hear Him when I’m driving across town late at night and I hear Him when I’m worshiping in the afternoon.  

One thing I’ve discovered is much like the different hunger queues, I am beginning to hear Him in different ways and making sure I’m spending enough time “juicing” my spirit man is still a learning process as well.

So I’m not giving up! I’m staying strong and looking forward to the end of this process... :)

love. love. love.

Answers...

Why a 60 day juice fast you ask?

1)      To lose weight.

2)      To break my addiction to food and overeating.

3)      To renew my commitment to be Obedient to God in everything.

Ok, let me clarify a little bit about this journey I’m on.

I’ve wanted to be a missionary for a while. I can’t say a long time b/c it wasn’t until college that I finally stopped running into the brick wall that was my plan for my life and turned around to see a glimpse of the amazingness that is God’s plan.

Where to? Well that’s easy. I’ve been in love with England for as far as I can remember. I’ve wanted to live there from the moment I learned that my mother had a sister waaaay across the pond. So England it is but when?  

A year ago I was on a short term mission trip to Mexico and I heard God’s direction more clearly than I’ve ever heard before in my life. “You have one year. Get ready.” 2 sentences + 1 command = 1 VERY excited Stephanie.  At least for a while... A year is a long time. [but not really]

Fast forward 6 months & you find me moving across town, signing a yearlong lease and trying to ignore the comments of a certain worship leader about how “he thought God told me I only had a year left in November” [;)]

 Official move in day was a Friday night. The beginning of the most epic week I’d had in a while.  Long story short, I moved in, cut my foot, mirror shattered, heard an amazing sermon on what church really is, had beautiful communion and worship with my friends all culminating to a Thursday morning surprise meeting at work where they tell us we’re all getting laid off at the end of August.

Well then…

So, even though I told God “We’ll see,” about the one year time-line He was obviously serious.

So now I’m getting ready, for realsies.

I’m paying down debt, saving money, putting my name out there, deepening my relationship with Him, and finally addressing my biggest hindrance with this desire.

My weight.

It’s been my greatest challenge in my life for as long as I can remember. I was crying out to God one night, really questioning how I was even going to be able to survive living in England with all this weight and the struggle I have with overeating. I heard the faintest whisper. “Let me have it.” Come on God! I need answers, am I supposed to have surgery? I’m losing my JOB God, I can’t waste the vacation time and the recovery time and the money on that! “Let me have it.” I’m just going to have to put it off. I will start now and I can be ready to go in a couple years. “Would you just let me have it?!”

Woah.

Ok, you can have it. Please take this burden, help me find the strength to overcome this. Again and again I’ve prayed to let Him have it but I’ve never truly given God my struggle. I’ve never sacrificed my pleasure, my desires, my opinions and just given Him all of it.

Until now.

Now I’m on this fast. This 60 day fruit & veggie juice fast. It’s insane and difficult and incredible and weird and I’m on day 5 and I don’t want to quit yet. I’m doing it for the three reasons I mentioned at the top of the blog. I’m doing it for me, for my future husband, my future kids, my family, and the people God has called me to love and serve and share His Gospel with. I’m doing this as a sacrifice for Him. He gave me His life… I can give Him two months of solid food.

Love. Love. Love.

changing...

So I'm moving to Blogger. Nothing against Tumblr but im looking for somehting a little more grown up. I'm tired of hearing "Tumbler? psht..." So there... Or here rather.

Egverything about me is changing.

my job
my house
my body
my teeth
my brain
my ministry
my relationship with God

so why shouldn't my blog change too?

I posted the last three posts from Tumblr so there's a point of refrence.

if you want to check out older stuff feel free to take a look! http://andwiththatitbegan.tumblr.com/

love. love. love.

**OLD POST** and I was fine. :)

I’m hungry. I’m hungry for a lot of things. I’m hungry for food, I’m hungry for sleep, I’m hungry for interaction with people other than co-workers. I’m hungry for a change, I’m hungry for England and most of all I’m hungry for God.

I spent the weekend almost in isolation. I house-slash-dog sat last minute and it really worked out nice. You see, this weekend I started a 60 day juice fast.

Yep.

Holy hell…

I can’t believe I’ve decided to do this. I mean, I can and I can’t. I can because it’s time, I need to and I can already see that it’s so good for me. I can’t because… ummm hi. I like food. I like eating. Too much.

This weekend was hard. I was tempted left and right and I hit my first big major challenges – and I’m still going strong! Here’s just a few things I’ve faced so far.

1) I got to the house I was watching and they were still packing up the car and getting ready and showing me around and telling me what I needed to do and eating pizza – BUT – they left and I made a juice and sprayed the kitchen with febreze so I could stop wanting to lick the air and I was fine. :)

2) Did you know that there are a zillion and a half commercials on TV that are about or including food and or an establishment where people eat food? I didn’t either… You usually don’t until you’re lying there, worn out, hungry and grumpy and all you want to do is just zone out to Close Encounters of the Third Kind but all you keep going back to is the new pizza hut garlic bread pizza and stupid good it looks and how genius it is b/c people love garlic bread and well, you get the picture – BUT – I drank some water, looked away and I was fine. :)

3) Restaurant Row. That’s what I call this little strip of SH 360 on my way home from work. Preeeeetty much anything I’d want to eat was just an exit or two before my stop, right along the side beckoning me to stop and enjoy. Tempting me, and calling my name and making me think of inappropriate words to call them as I drove right past them Sunday night – BUT – I turned up the tunes, reached deep inside for His strength, kept on driving and I was fine :)

4) Today was my first day at work on the juice… (tee hee hee) it wasn’t as bad as I thought It would be. The monster I’m-mad-at-you-so-I’m-gonna-make-your-feel-pain headache is pretty much gone and my energy level is most def improved already. But a couple things I decided over the course of the afternoon. A) don’t be adventurous with your juice recipes if you’re not going to drink them asap. B)no one should be allowed to have yummy smelling warm lunches if I can’t either. C) If I just told you that I’m on a juice fast and you start talking to me with your mouth full of chipotle smacking away, I’m going to want to punch you in the throat – BUT – I just throw on the Jesus Jams, chug down the water and I’m fine. :)

I am fine. I’m more than fine. Cause you see, I have Jesus’ strength in me right now, like woah hardcore and this is the only way I’m making it through this thing. That and encouragement & understanding from everyone around me.

(PS: I did talk to my physician about the fast, I have seen “Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead” and I am being safe. No worries y’all…)

**OLD POST** my mother...

I didn’t do much this weekend apart from let the dogs in & out & in & out & back in again. I snuck into my sister’s church to hear a really amazing and encouraging sermon from a missionary and snuck right back out again. Oh and I bought a boat load of fruits & veggies with my mom.

The best part of the weekend, hands down, was the 2 hrs I spent with my mom. See, going to the store with mom isn’t about going to the store. It’s about the conversation we have in the car. It’s about getting almost lost on the way to the farmers market & stopping in the middle of the road so she can figure out where she’s going b/c she wrote down the directions & didn’t just plug it into GPS.

It’s about the connection, the encouragement, the laughs and the tears. I remember riding places with mom all the time when I was younger. Wanting to sit up front partially b/c the AC is better but mostly b/c you get to talk to mom. See, if you’ve ever met my mother you know that she knows everything. E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. But she’s awesome and she lets you tell her on your own anyway. I love how she can look at me and just know what I need to hear – be it encouragement, comfort or a good ole fashioned ass-whoop… I love that the first response to any situation is “Well, have you prayed about it?” I love how that is now my automatic first response as an adult.

I love how as I’ve grown our relationship has become more of a two way street when it comes to encouragement and insight. I love that I have my mother’s wisdom. And I love most of all that my mother sacrificed and struggled so much in her life, just so that I could grow up in a home that knows and loves Jesus. I can’t imagine who I’d be without that last one.

I am so grateful for her strength and encouragement and wisdom and as much as I’ve protested in my life, I love how much I look like my mother. I love that I have her curly ringlet hair, and I love that as I grow, I’m starting to look more and more like her on the inside.
I love my mamma, mother, ma, marme, mom. :)

**OLD POST** working conditions partly cloudy...

I realize that the fact that I am writing this blog while at work is ironic and at best  hypocritical however, I cannot help myself. A month and a half ago we were told we’re being let go at the end of August. Any and all professionalism and productivity was promptly tossed out the window. Not one of the windows marked with a little “T” to denote it will safely shatter in an emergency, but a solid heavy glass that shattered with sharp jagged edges and hazardous glass everywhere.

It is boring here. There isn’t much left to do, the outsourced company is picking up most our work and leaving us with little or nothing to do, as they should be. People are answering the phone with food in their mouths, gossiping loudly, complaining unabashedly, walking around doing nothing, there’s a general over all spirit of not working… oh and whistling – did I mention the whistling? You know who whistles silly little tunes? Old men.  Old men and cartoon characters and this one chick who sits behind me who won’t stop whistling no matter how many times I glance in her direction.

No one cares anymore and they aren’t afraid to show it.

I know I’m in a bit of a different situation. I am ready to leave. I am wicked excited to go and be somewhere else doing God wants me to do. I am super pumped that I will be stepping out into my calling soon and very soon… I cannot WAIT to move to England… Jesus let it come…
I also like the people who are taking over for us. I’ve met them, trained them, chatted with them, broken bread (or casserole) with them, laughed, teased and bonded with them. They are a group of hard-working, caring people. A more hard working group of folks then I’ve seen in a long while. So when people are mean or rude or derogatory towards them I wanna stand up and punch them in the throat… ;)

It’s hard for me to be here. On one hand I’m way over this and want to be done just like everyone else here. On the other hand I want to do a good job and go honorably not leaving a wake of destruction and massive clean-up behind me.  What’s a girl to do?

So I work. I come in day after depressing day and do my job. Probably not to the best of my ability but more than half I’d say. I listen to my music, keep my head down and do my job. I want to make sure I get the “re-hireable” stamp on my file when I leave… who knows when I may need to call upon the mighty giant of Colgate again the future.

And I blog. I hope to blog quite a bit more lately… we shall see… ;)