I lost a kindergartener... In a good way.

61 days ago I started on this epic journey. I'd prayed and asked God to help me find the best step for me. The best way to kick start this new me He wanted me to become. So I fasted.

I drank fresh fruit and vegetable juice for 60 days. Insanity. It was so hard and I was not entirely faithful. Several times I ate food and felt terrible (not just physically) and would repent and do well for many more days.

It was a constant struggle for me p give up this area in my life. I've always struggled with my weight, and more specifically my eating habits, as far back as I can remember.

It's not all my parents fault or my fault or anyone in particular, it's a culmination of the way I had allowed myself to live. I used food as a boredom breaker, a social activity, a heart healer, an excuse. I cannot tell you how much I HATE the term "comfort food." It is quite possibly the worst way I look at food ever.

But that Stephanie is no more. I come out of this fast, not 100% healed of every negative outlook on food and health. I do come out stronger. I have the tools and the strength to fight off the wrong views on food.

I come away from this experience with the wisdom that I am not enough. There is not enough strength in my body or mind or spirit that can fight this way of life hard enough. And that's okay! I don't have to fight alone.

God is my strength. He is my savior and He is my guide through life. I have much yet I learn, I know this. I also know He is teaching me daily.

Showing me how to love Him, how to depend on Him and how to e His warrior woman He's created me to be.

I'm 41 pounds lighter. As my cousin would say, I didn't loose it- I got rid of it. Those pounds are gone and will be followed shortly by several more.

I am excited about where He is taking me and the changes He's made in my life. I am ready to continue this journey and up for the challenge!

:)

I’m trying to learn... [PART 1 OF 4]

It’s been a few days. Sometimes I feel like if I don’t have something super spiritual or incredibly awesome to say it’s not really worth posting… Then I remember that, for as much as I post for y’all, I’m really just posting to help me think through whatever it is that is swimming through my brain.

So here is the randomness that resides in the corners of my mind...

I’ve decided to make this a four part series over the next four days. The more I tried to think of things to write well… the more I thought of things to write! :)

I’m trying to learn: how to not be wasteful. [PART 1 OF 4]

Time: At work, there isn’t much to do. The workload is shifting to the new folks and the time spent in idle is steadily increasing. It’s hard not to trifle about doing so much of nothing for hours on end. Basically I’m getting paid to do whatever it is I feel like doing. I wish I could bring my guitar b/c that is really what I feel like doing most of the time but I have a feeling that may be crossing the line juuuust a bit.



Tired, lazy & dying cat



But as I cross of the days on my little office calendar, I start to feel more and more like the cat on this month’s picture in the aforementioned calendar. Tired, lazy and dying. 

I spent an entire 10 hour shift yesterday watching episodes of Monk on my iPhone (thank you hulu), browsing through Pinterest and trying not to fall asleep. I got home and I felt like crap. I was a little disgusted with myself for not doing ANYTHING productive.

No. I felt a lottle disgusted. (Lottle: more than a lot, direct opposite of little)

I got home, had some nourishment and promptly fell asleep. I’m pretty sure it was somewhere around 9, 9:30 when I went to bed. Not okay.

Today I determined I would find a more productive use of my time. And I’ve succeeded – ish.

I did some actual work [insert shocked expression here], printed a bunch of lead sheets for new songs I’m learning to play, wrote a couple emails I needed to write and studied my Temporary Nanny Orientation materials for class tomorrow. That lasted me ohhhhh four hours. Sigh.

SO I found a bunch of crochet patterns on line and printed them off, and now I’m blogging. What's a girl to do?

Money: Money is something I’ve had to learn to use responsibly the hard way. In college I fell susceptible to the beautiful web of lies credit card companies often spin for young adults away from home who don’t have their parent’s whispering words of wisdom in their ear.

I am grateful for the low limits I was given and am happy to say, I have one card left and it is almost paid off. It’s taken me 4 years out of college but I’m finally so close. Makes me want to dance like Snoopy…

I’ve been through the Financial Peace University, I have an account on mint.com, and I know how to do a budget. (I secretly have for years. shhh... don't tell anyone.) I’m a whiz at excel and I know I can make it work. I am just finally deciding it’s worth it to go through the pain, frustration and tweaking until I get it right.

I don’t want to be wasteful. I don’t want to feel like I’m not making good use of my time & money. I’m about to have a new job where I am my own boss. The money I make and the nanny jobs I take are solely dependent on me making sure I’m keeping up with my calendar and booking the jobs I need to book.

Yes, it gives me more opportunity to manage my own life, volunteer for more and work on the things I want to work on, but if I don’t book jobs, I don’t work. If I don’t work I don’t earn money and if that doesn’t happen well… I won’t go there.

Besides all that, I’m also about to depend on other people for financial support. As a missionary, I’m not expecting to draw a paycheck. I know I have to be VERY clear about where my money goes because people will ask. My supporters will want to know how I’m spending my time, what I’m doing to further God’s kingdom and where their money is being used.

I know God is Jehovah Jireh – my provider.  ^“So Abraham called that place ‘The Lord Will Provide’. And to this day it is said, ‘On the mountain of the Lord it will be provided. (Genesis 22:14 NIV-UK)”

I was raised on the belief that God will give you what you need. Maybe not everything you "want" but if you choose not to eat beans & rice for dinner because you've had it already this week and you're throwing a temper tantrum, then you can see that God will provide the same bowl of beans & rice for breakfast the next morning. (thanks mom & dad...)

I’m still apparently learning how to fully depend on Him for the gazillion things I seem to need. I’m also trying to learn how to live with less. I’m reading a book right now by Jen Hatmaker called. “7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess.” It’s really good.

Good at making me feel like I’m a glutton in every area of my life. Good at making me really stop and think about how much useless stuff I really have crammed into this little life of mine. She goes way in depth and looks at seven areas of our lives where we have too much stuff. Food. Clothes. Spending. Media. Possessions. Waste. Stress. It's heavy. It’s such a convicting book, I’ve stopped reading it. Twice.

It’s crazy. My friend Alison is actually currently writing a blog covering her “Summer of Seven.” She is fully focusing on the impact this book has on her life and the life of her beautiful blended family. You should check it out because it’s really honest and real.

Anyway. I feel I really am learning how not to be wasteful. It's a process & it’s hard. Not the same hard as not eating solid food for 60 days but difficult nonetheless. I desire to be a good steward of what God has given me, in every area of my life. And I know, with His help, I can be.

love. love. love.

“Come on Daddy! Walk faster!”

I recently had a passing conversation with a couple friends about what the importance of kneeling before God. Coach mentioned that she didn’t really remember ever really getting on her knees to pray & Mrs. Bear agreed it was not something she regularly did.

 This exchange has been ruminating in my mind since; several questions have been bouncing around all week. Is it important? What does it mean? Do people really do it? Do I really have to?

I mean come on… it’s just uncomfortable. It cuts off the circulation to my feet and leaves weird carpet marks on my knees and makes me stick my butt out all weird. What if people see? Is it really something that I’m missing in my relationship with Christ?

Then this morning in my devotion I re-read Ephesians 3:14-19 (MSG) and my perspective shifted.

Here, read it…

 ^14-19My response is to get down on my knees before the Father, this magnificent Father who parcels out all heaven and earth. I ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit—not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength—that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in. And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you'll be able to take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ's love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God.

We bow because we love Him. We get down on our knees (or sometimes our faces) and prostrate ourselves before God as a sign of submission. We humble ourselves and let go of everything we are and everything we feel we deserve and say, “Here God, have it… take every single part of me.”

In this fast, I find I am constantly failing. I am growing yes, I am being stretched and changed but I also fail - with a capital “F”.

Saying you are leaning on God for strength and actually leaning on Him are two very different things. Every day I find another area where I’m trying to accomplish things in my strength.

I love & hate this.

I love it because it means I’m growing and I’m listening more and more to the HS. I hate it because it means I have to change yet again. I have to bow down, give that part of me to Him, open that door and let Him in to that area of my heart.

In her book Hearing From God Each Morning Joyce Meyer says “People who are self-sufficient often think depending on God is a sign of weakness. But the truth is that by drawing on the ability of the HS, they can accomplish more in their lives than they ever could by working in their own strength”

(I know I’m stuck on this “His strength/my strength” kick lately but I just can’t help it. God is revealing more and more to me each day so if you’re bored with my rantings take it up with Him.)

When we humble ourselves, listen to the HS and allow Him in we find that “glorious inner strength” that Paul was talking about in Ephesians. We really, honestly, truly do not have the strength to face the things of this world.

We can’t help it! It’s how we were made. We were created to worship and depend on God. And He wants us to do it! It doesn’t bother him that I come to him day after day, time after time and ask for more strength, more forgiveness.

He loves it.

He loves me.

He wants me, all of me, every part.

So I try. I fail, but I try.

I walk beside God, hand in hand, like a little girl and her Father. He knows the speed I need to keep because there are cracks in the pavement. He is tall and wise and can see the path ahead so He keeps a steady pace. But I’m anxious; I’m excited & I feel like He’s moving to slow.

I pull on His hand, “Come on Daddy! Walk faster!” But He keeps His stride. So I pull and I press on and I pick up speed and let go of his hand.  He loves me enough to let me too. So I run and I’m happy and I’m excited and I don’t pay attention and I miss the crack in the sidewalk.

I fall. I bump my knee and it hurts. It stings and I’m bleeding. I fell in front of everyone and I’m embarrassed. I try to be brave but this pain really hurts and there are people looking. So I cry.

God walks up beside me, stoops down and holds me in His arms and comforts me. “It’s ok… I’ve got you now.” With love he wipes the tears from my eyes, kisses my forehead & bandages my wounds. We start to walk again, my little girl hand in His big, strong Daddy hand.

Someday I’ll learn. Someday I’ll recognize the soft squeeze of His hand and the gentle warning that I’m speeding up. I’ll hear his voice and feel the love and recognize that He knows best.

I cannot wait for that day.

Until then I will get on my knees. I will ask for strength. I will humble myself, die to my desires and let Him in. Let Him in so much that I feel I may burst. I will listen for His gentle warnings and I will surrender my desires for His will.

love. love. love.

Resumes & Missionaries aka: God's Perfect Plan

I cannot get over how amazing God is.

So we’re getting laid off at the end of this month right? Well my company is being awesome and providing us a months’ worth of services with this amazing company that helps you get your resumes together and learn how to market yourself. Well, with my future career change, (ie: leaving the corporate world to be a missionary) I wasn’t sure how my “career coach” would react to wanting to work on a non-traditional resume for the mission field.

Silly me… haven’t you learned by now that God is orchestrating this whole thing?

The gal who is assigned to be my counselor is not only a Christian, but her husband is in ministry & her son is attending university at Hillsong in Australia and she’s from CA & loves the Vineyard Movement. She loves going on mission trips & she can’t wait for the day when she doesn’t have to work so she can go on short term mission trips. Oh, did I mention both she & her husband have done stints as missionaries in the UK?

I just love Him!

We spent over an hour going over both my corporate world resume and my ministry resume. She is well versed in what is important to highlight for both and was very excited to be working with me. Multiple times in our session either she or I stopped the conversation just to express how amazing God is. **love it**

My favorite part was when she goes, “Well you know, from the beginning of your story he was planning this meeting. One thing I always say is 'nothing ever surprises God.'”

THAT'S WHAT IVE BEEN SAYING!!

I didn’t really need any more confirmation that this is where God wants me to go but… I got it.

A "few" corrections...

I got to spend an hour of my day today, sharing my heart and talking about my future with a stranger without having to explain that yes I want to leave the country and yes I want to be a missionary in an English speaking country and yes I know there are hurting people in Africa.

I now feel more prepared to look for work as a missionary than I ever have before. I am so thankful that I serve a faithful & thoughtful God. I cannot wait to get out there and see where He takes me.

I could not have planned this better myself. Believe me… I tried…

love. love. love.

Vow of Deliciousness

Getting back into juicing after taking several days off in rebellion has proved harder than I thought. My inner child has thrown tantrum after screaming tantrum because, "I don't want it!!!"

But with that same breath and in that same moment, I would be playing a song on my guitar singing away about how much I love God and how wonderful He is.

How could I live such a contradiction?

The answer is I can't. I lay in bed last night thinking about the war that is going on inside me. Who was I going to let win: my flesh or Him?

I decided it all hinged on this bowl of tomato soup. Endlessly bored of the cold juices, I made a soup with carrots and tomatoes and vowed it would be delicious or I would cry.

Good thing it was delicious.

So I'm sitting here filling up on this yumminess and I open my daily devotional app and start reading today's devotion. Its all about the Holy Spirit and the wonderful helper and friend that He is.

See, I love Joyce Meyer b/c she tells it like it is and doesn't beat around the bush. And I'm sitting here reading what she says about how sometimes people get saved and that's all well and good but they don't surrender everything to God and they never truly experience His fullness and calling and I realize that now I'm bawling.

And I stop and thank God for this amazing soup. And I tell Him how much I love Him and how I don't want to miss out on His plans for me.

And I continue on and read the rest of the devotion & the coinciding verses:

"We often struggle needlessly because we do not receive the help available to us. I encourage you to depend on Him, not on your own strength. Whatever you are facing, you don't have to go through it alone.

God's word for you today: Your worst day with God will be better than your best day without Him. The Holy Spirit is here to speak to you and help you in every way you need help today."

(From the book Hearing from God Each Morning by Joyce Meyer)

John 14:15-17 (MSG)

"If you love me, SHOW IT BY DOING WHAT I'VE TOLD YOU. I will talk to the Father, and he'll provide you another Friend so that you will always have someone with you. This Friend is the Spirit of Truth. The godless world can't take him in because it doesn't have eyes to see him, doesn't know what to look for. But you know him already because he has been staying with you, and will even be in you!"

(emphasis added by me to make you read it the way it smacked me in the face...)

So my Vow of Deliciousness was pointless because now the soup is delicious and I'm crying. But I'm crying b/c God is so awesome. He is so faithful and all I needed to do was trust that He IS working in me and He IS changing me bit by bit and He IS my strength in this.

So there you have it. I am full of the now devoured soup and I am filled to the top with His Loving Mercy to continue on for another day.

Surrendering is hard... but obvi-totes worth it. ;)

[obvi-totes: obviously + totally - originally coined by Schwan himself]

love. love. love.

Rebellion, Redemption, True Love.

There are times in your life when you look back and think… "Well, that was dumb." The last 4 days have been one such occasion for me.

5 days ago I was so hungry. I was tired, I was sick, I wasn’t getting enough nutrition, I was worn out and defeated. It seems as if the moment I uploaded my last blog, I completely forgot what I wrote, what God said and what I had resolved to do. But that’s a COMPLETLEY different story.

I am weak. I am human and I rebelled. I decided out of my own flesh to make a change to my fast. I decided that I needed to eat one meal in the afternoon. One uber-healthy, still very restrictive meal with a salad, beans, nuts and a veggie to round it out. I decided. Because I wouldn’t do it, I decided that it was okay with God and I gave myself an inch – just to survive.

I took a mile.

That one decision (no matter how sensible it seemed) was all it took to start me off on a 4 day rebellion.

I ate chicken, I ate potatoes, I ate bread, and I had a burrito, and rounded it all out with mac & cheese. There. I wasn’t gonna tell you but there’s no sense in being a cheater & a liar. ;) Believe me, I've paid dearly for this rebellion physically - but the spiritual repercussions have been the worst.

What the what?!

Yes, it was an emotional weekend, yes I was physically exhausted and getting ill, yes I was trying to be strong and yes I still have yet to learn how to let God be my strength.

Sigh.

God’s grace is new every morning. I am clinging to this truth so tightly this morning. I am back on the juice & juice alone. It’s is the beginning of a new month, I still have 40 days left to show God how serious I am.

What made me turn back around and step away from the cliff I was on the edge of?  Take good counsel and accept correction – that’s the way to live wisely and well.” – Proverbs 19:20 (MSG) The wise counsel of those people He has placed in my life to help me through this is the only reason I’ve come back.

I cannot express the depths of my gratitude for Mrs. Bear, Coach, Firestarter, and my dear sweet mother, among others.
Correction is not easy to hear. Rebellion is easy to justify to yourself, but explaining it to someone else in a way that makes it sound reasonable is an art form. I just so happen to think I am such an artist.

Wrong.

I love that there are people in my life who will tell me I have to make a choice. Either suck it up or change it but whatever that choice is I need to make it and stick to it. (mother)

I love that there are people who will offer up their precious evening hours with their husband to come over and help me prep my veggies – just so I can be set up for success. (Mrs. Bear)

I love that there are people in my life who will make sure I know they’re going to Costco so I can bulk buy my veggies to keep me stocked & make me use more. (Firestarter)

I love that I have a pastor who I can text and say I missed the prophetic word he gave on Sunday and he will type it up and email it to me so I don’t miss out on a promise from God. (PBob)

And I love that there are people in my life who will not stop bothering me, when I am obviously ignoring them completely because I don’t want to lie to them but I don’t want to tell them I haven’t juiced in 3 days and, NO I don’t want to talk about it and NO I don’t want to hear what they have to say but they don’t care & will use another type of social media to reach me until I respond because I refuse to text them back. (Coach)

So I come to you convicted, corrected, and humbled and say I am giving up. I am giving up control of this. I am done trying in my own strength to make it through this fast. Because when I try, I fail.

I leave you with this word my pastor gave on Sunday. Coach made me drag myself out of bed on Sunday and come to church. I missed worship & this word but arrived exactly in time for prayer. She told me I needed to hear this word and she was right.

Have faith friendlies. Abide in Him and you will be successful, because God doesn’t fail.

Prophetic Word
Pastor Bob Oliver
July 29, 2012 John 15

Abide my children in my love.  You abide in my love, as you abide – live – in me.  As you abide, you come to know my heart.  As you abide, you come to know my word, for you cannot abide in My Love and ignore My Word.  Have I not said “If you abide in Me and My Word abides in you – ASK whatever you wish, and it will be done?”  As you abide in me, your asking is in response to the moving of My Spirit.  At times the moving of My Spirit will be inconvenient to your flesh and at other times diametrically opposed to reason, but obey the promptings of My Spirit regardless of the cost.  The more difficult the assignment, the richer the reward.  I am giving you opportunities to prove your love for me.  Be sensitive to My Spirit.  Be listening for my Voice.  I will guide you with my hand upon your shoulder.  I intend to lead you into an increasingly abundant life by liberating your spirit to freely be at the disposal of and direction of My Spirit.  By this you will bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples!

love. love. love.

Convo with God, aka: 2 Weeks

Its loose.

I put a shirt on this morning that I’ve not worn in a while and it’s loose. It’s not falling off or huge on me or anything but I can for real see signs that this thing is working.  Some people at worked asked about what I was doing at work today. They can’t get past the beets in my juice this morning and the spinach that awaits me this afternoon but I’m ok with that. They noticed.

I want to quit probably 5 thousand times a day and this morning is no exception. The juice is boring and it’s getting under my skin and I have this conversation with God multiple times a day and it always ends up the same way.

“Hey God.”

“Hey”

“Sooo this juice thing, I did 2 weeks. That’s enough right?

“Is it?
“Well you see… I’m really bored with it and I don’t think I can drink this juice that’s staring me in the face, the straw is taunting me God.”

“Can’t you?”

“It’s so hard! I just want to eat a cracker! Hell, I’d even eat a plain Wasa cracker. Oh... sorry I said Hell.”

“I forgive you.”

“I just don’t think I can do it God… there’s so much more time to go. I really think I’m not gonna make it, it’s to hard!”

“I asked you to be obedient.”

**sigh**

“I am your strength to ‘stick it out over the long haul’ (Col 1:9-12 MSG) ok?”

“Ok. As long as you got this – because I positively do not."

So that is my life for now. I drink my juice, turn to Him again and again, and I make it through. I’m being stretched and changed every day. Just as I am starting to see my body change I am seeing my heart change too.

I cannot wait for the day I realize I’ve stopped complaining about how hard it is. Until then, I know that He still loves me.

love. love. love

the better way...

13 days. That’s how long it took for me to look at a fast food restaurant and not want to eat the sign.

The past two days have been, I think, my hardest yet. I wasn’t juicing enough and my blood sugar levels were making themselves known. I was tired and weak and just didn’t feel great overall. All I wanted to do was go to bed.

But nooooo. I had to go to woooork. All day yesterday I just wanted to go home. I had a negative attitude, my body was hurting, I was starving and the chick who sits across from me got Philly cheese steaks from this new place around the corner and proceeded to eat them and talk about them for at least an hour.

Now, we have cubicles here at work but they’re these short stupid things that we can see and talk to each other over (see picture to the right.) This makes being on a juice fast difficult. SO needless to say, I so wanted to go home.

But I didn’t. Mostly because I couldn’t.

But I was getting on my nerves.

You see, I’d changed my focus and it was hurting me, literally. I took my eyes off the real reason I’m doing this. I changed my focus from my desire to be obedient and get closer to God, to focusing on the things I couldn’t eat, the places I couldn’t go and the funky, boring juice I’d been drinking for 12 days straight.

I didn’t come to this conclusion on my own. Nope. I went to CPR class (which was creepy and hilarious all at the same time - see picture to the left) and I got certified. I went to the grocery store with the lovely Mrs. Bear and stocked up on essentials. I went home, put the cold stuff away and went to bed.

I caught up on my “With Friends” games, spent some time on Facebook and gave myself 10 minutes to look at Pinterest before I spent some time with God. 45 minutes later my phone rang. I was lying in bed, hungry & tired and having a raging pity party but I answered it anyway.

I didn’t want to answer the phone for 2 reasons. 1) I was grumpy & 2) I knew that my BFF would ask me how I was doing and she would weasel out of me the truth (as she always does) and make me talk about what I didn’t want to talk about.

And she did.

She’s good at that. We’ve been friends for oh 8ish years and no matter how many miles are between us, she always manages to look me in my face and find out what I’m not telling her.

So we talked. She shared things going on in her life, we prayed a little and I tried to wrap up the conversation with no avail. She caught me. She reminded me why I am really doing this, gave me some insight, made me shed a few tears & gave me  a couple of God inspired passages to check out for encouragement.

By the end, I was excited again. I remembered why I went to the grocery store and came home with only fresh produce (see picture on right). She reminded me that Jesus was tempted, and He did not falter. She reminded me what the Holy Spirit had been screaming at me all day but I couldn’t hear b/c I was complaining way to loud.

If that wasn’t enough, during the course of that phone call I got messages from two other close confidants checking in on me, letting me know they’re there for me and encouraging me through this. As I look back, yesterday was chock FULL of encouragement from friends and family near and far.

All of this together plus His strength renewed every morning led to this morning’s revelation.

I watched a car pull up to the Golden Arches this morning and my first thought, my VERY 1^st thought was, “No! There’s a better way!”

My second thought was “What the what?! Did I just say that? I don’t want a bacon egg & cheese biscuit? Woah.”

And then I cried.

I cried with joy thanking and praising God for this seemingly small yet GIGANTIC breakthrough. I am (thanks to some lovely math by my personal coach through all this) over 20% of the way thorough this fast. I am 13 days in, ready for more and about to down a spinach-apple-carrot-strawberry juice and loving it.

Love. love. love.

Jedi Knights & the Traveling Juicer

This was absolutely a whirl-wind of a weekend…  Let’s see: monster headache, surprising weight loss, traveling juicer, mini-Jedi knights, pedicure, bad movies, sad goodbyes, excellent teaching, long nap & an evening swim.

Pretty much a great weekend.

Thursday was day 7 of this juice fast adventure. I hadn’t juiced enough the day before and I found out what happens when you don’t - the hard way. Nasty headache, erratic sleep, unpleasant tummy trouble, let’s just say – I will never do that again.

I’m still learning how my body tells me I’m hungry. It’s different now. 11 days off solid food and it’s still a little hard to tell when I’m actually hungry or just need to drink more water. But I am starting to see the signs. It’s no fun when your blood sugar level drops so low you feel like you’re going to pass out. It takes about 15 minutes to prep, juice, & clean up before I can get juice in my system. It’s a lot of work but worth it.

I did lose 16 pounds last week sooo… there’s that. ;)

I am really excited about the changes I can see in me and those that others can see as well. It’s worth not eating the cupcakes, Leia Buns, Wookie Cookies, and Kenobi Krisps at my Nephew’s Star Wars Birthday Party to drop these pounds & break into this freedom. The party may have been my hardest challenge yet. That or the incredible Mexican food consumed next to me in the car... But I'm still doing it!

I’ve had to travel across town and bring my juicer & all my veggies with me two weekends in a row. It is a beating. I'm sure I'll have to do it again, next time I’ll just make sure to bring the spout. It’s a funny thing trying to effectively use a juicer without it’s spout. Not an easy task.  

I am hearing God more clearly lately. I also hear Him saying I need to spend more time with Him. I hear Him when He wakes me up an hour before my alarm in the morning, I hear Him when I’m driving across town late at night and I hear Him when I’m worshiping in the afternoon.  

One thing I’ve discovered is much like the different hunger queues, I am beginning to hear Him in different ways and making sure I’m spending enough time “juicing” my spirit man is still a learning process as well.

So I’m not giving up! I’m staying strong and looking forward to the end of this process... :)

love. love. love.

Answers...

Why a 60 day juice fast you ask?

1)      To lose weight.

2)      To break my addiction to food and overeating.

3)      To renew my commitment to be Obedient to God in everything.

Ok, let me clarify a little bit about this journey I’m on.

I’ve wanted to be a missionary for a while. I can’t say a long time b/c it wasn’t until college that I finally stopped running into the brick wall that was my plan for my life and turned around to see a glimpse of the amazingness that is God’s plan.

Where to? Well that’s easy. I’ve been in love with England for as far as I can remember. I’ve wanted to live there from the moment I learned that my mother had a sister waaaay across the pond. So England it is but when?  

A year ago I was on a short term mission trip to Mexico and I heard God’s direction more clearly than I’ve ever heard before in my life. “You have one year. Get ready.” 2 sentences + 1 command = 1 VERY excited Stephanie.  At least for a while... A year is a long time. [but not really]

Fast forward 6 months & you find me moving across town, signing a yearlong lease and trying to ignore the comments of a certain worship leader about how “he thought God told me I only had a year left in November” [;)]

 Official move in day was a Friday night. The beginning of the most epic week I’d had in a while.  Long story short, I moved in, cut my foot, mirror shattered, heard an amazing sermon on what church really is, had beautiful communion and worship with my friends all culminating to a Thursday morning surprise meeting at work where they tell us we’re all getting laid off at the end of August.

Well then…

So, even though I told God “We’ll see,” about the one year time-line He was obviously serious.

So now I’m getting ready, for realsies.

I’m paying down debt, saving money, putting my name out there, deepening my relationship with Him, and finally addressing my biggest hindrance with this desire.

My weight.

It’s been my greatest challenge in my life for as long as I can remember. I was crying out to God one night, really questioning how I was even going to be able to survive living in England with all this weight and the struggle I have with overeating. I heard the faintest whisper. “Let me have it.” Come on God! I need answers, am I supposed to have surgery? I’m losing my JOB God, I can’t waste the vacation time and the recovery time and the money on that! “Let me have it.” I’m just going to have to put it off. I will start now and I can be ready to go in a couple years. “Would you just let me have it?!”

Woah.

Ok, you can have it. Please take this burden, help me find the strength to overcome this. Again and again I’ve prayed to let Him have it but I’ve never truly given God my struggle. I’ve never sacrificed my pleasure, my desires, my opinions and just given Him all of it.

Until now.

Now I’m on this fast. This 60 day fruit & veggie juice fast. It’s insane and difficult and incredible and weird and I’m on day 5 and I don’t want to quit yet. I’m doing it for the three reasons I mentioned at the top of the blog. I’m doing it for me, for my future husband, my future kids, my family, and the people God has called me to love and serve and share His Gospel with. I’m doing this as a sacrifice for Him. He gave me His life… I can give Him two months of solid food.

Love. Love. Love.

changing...

So I'm moving to Blogger. Nothing against Tumblr but im looking for somehting a little more grown up. I'm tired of hearing "Tumbler? psht..." So there... Or here rather.

Egverything about me is changing.

my job
my house
my body
my teeth
my brain
my ministry
my relationship with God

so why shouldn't my blog change too?

I posted the last three posts from Tumblr so there's a point of refrence.

if you want to check out older stuff feel free to take a look! http://andwiththatitbegan.tumblr.com/

love. love. love.

**OLD POST** and I was fine. :)

I’m hungry. I’m hungry for a lot of things. I’m hungry for food, I’m hungry for sleep, I’m hungry for interaction with people other than co-workers. I’m hungry for a change, I’m hungry for England and most of all I’m hungry for God.

I spent the weekend almost in isolation. I house-slash-dog sat last minute and it really worked out nice. You see, this weekend I started a 60 day juice fast.

Yep.

Holy hell…

I can’t believe I’ve decided to do this. I mean, I can and I can’t. I can because it’s time, I need to and I can already see that it’s so good for me. I can’t because… ummm hi. I like food. I like eating. Too much.

This weekend was hard. I was tempted left and right and I hit my first big major challenges – and I’m still going strong! Here’s just a few things I’ve faced so far.

1) I got to the house I was watching and they were still packing up the car and getting ready and showing me around and telling me what I needed to do and eating pizza – BUT – they left and I made a juice and sprayed the kitchen with febreze so I could stop wanting to lick the air and I was fine. :)

2) Did you know that there are a zillion and a half commercials on TV that are about or including food and or an establishment where people eat food? I didn’t either… You usually don’t until you’re lying there, worn out, hungry and grumpy and all you want to do is just zone out to Close Encounters of the Third Kind but all you keep going back to is the new pizza hut garlic bread pizza and stupid good it looks and how genius it is b/c people love garlic bread and well, you get the picture – BUT – I drank some water, looked away and I was fine. :)

3) Restaurant Row. That’s what I call this little strip of SH 360 on my way home from work. Preeeeetty much anything I’d want to eat was just an exit or two before my stop, right along the side beckoning me to stop and enjoy. Tempting me, and calling my name and making me think of inappropriate words to call them as I drove right past them Sunday night – BUT – I turned up the tunes, reached deep inside for His strength, kept on driving and I was fine :)

4) Today was my first day at work on the juice… (tee hee hee) it wasn’t as bad as I thought It would be. The monster I’m-mad-at-you-so-I’m-gonna-make-your-feel-pain headache is pretty much gone and my energy level is most def improved already. But a couple things I decided over the course of the afternoon. A) don’t be adventurous with your juice recipes if you’re not going to drink them asap. B)no one should be allowed to have yummy smelling warm lunches if I can’t either. C) If I just told you that I’m on a juice fast and you start talking to me with your mouth full of chipotle smacking away, I’m going to want to punch you in the throat – BUT – I just throw on the Jesus Jams, chug down the water and I’m fine. :)

I am fine. I’m more than fine. Cause you see, I have Jesus’ strength in me right now, like woah hardcore and this is the only way I’m making it through this thing. That and encouragement & understanding from everyone around me.

(PS: I did talk to my physician about the fast, I have seen “Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead” and I am being safe. No worries y’all…)

**OLD POST** my mother...

I didn’t do much this weekend apart from let the dogs in & out & in & out & back in again. I snuck into my sister’s church to hear a really amazing and encouraging sermon from a missionary and snuck right back out again. Oh and I bought a boat load of fruits & veggies with my mom.

The best part of the weekend, hands down, was the 2 hrs I spent with my mom. See, going to the store with mom isn’t about going to the store. It’s about the conversation we have in the car. It’s about getting almost lost on the way to the farmers market & stopping in the middle of the road so she can figure out where she’s going b/c she wrote down the directions & didn’t just plug it into GPS.

It’s about the connection, the encouragement, the laughs and the tears. I remember riding places with mom all the time when I was younger. Wanting to sit up front partially b/c the AC is better but mostly b/c you get to talk to mom. See, if you’ve ever met my mother you know that she knows everything. E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. But she’s awesome and she lets you tell her on your own anyway. I love how she can look at me and just know what I need to hear – be it encouragement, comfort or a good ole fashioned ass-whoop… I love that the first response to any situation is “Well, have you prayed about it?” I love how that is now my automatic first response as an adult.

I love how as I’ve grown our relationship has become more of a two way street when it comes to encouragement and insight. I love that I have my mother’s wisdom. And I love most of all that my mother sacrificed and struggled so much in her life, just so that I could grow up in a home that knows and loves Jesus. I can’t imagine who I’d be without that last one.

I am so grateful for her strength and encouragement and wisdom and as much as I’ve protested in my life, I love how much I look like my mother. I love that I have her curly ringlet hair, and I love that as I grow, I’m starting to look more and more like her on the inside.
I love my mamma, mother, ma, marme, mom. :)