I’m trying to learn... [PART 1 OF 4]

It’s been a few days. Sometimes I feel like if I don’t have something super spiritual or incredibly awesome to say it’s not really worth posting… Then I remember that, for as much as I post for y’all, I’m really just posting to help me think through whatever it is that is swimming through my brain.

So here is the randomness that resides in the corners of my mind...

I’ve decided to make this a four part series over the next four days. The more I tried to think of things to write well… the more I thought of things to write! :)

I’m trying to learn: how to not be wasteful. [PART 1 OF 4]

Time: At work, there isn’t much to do. The workload is shifting to the new folks and the time spent in idle is steadily increasing. It’s hard not to trifle about doing so much of nothing for hours on end. Basically I’m getting paid to do whatever it is I feel like doing. I wish I could bring my guitar b/c that is really what I feel like doing most of the time but I have a feeling that may be crossing the line juuuust a bit.



Tired, lazy & dying cat



But as I cross of the days on my little office calendar, I start to feel more and more like the cat on this month’s picture in the aforementioned calendar. Tired, lazy and dying. 

I spent an entire 10 hour shift yesterday watching episodes of Monk on my iPhone (thank you hulu), browsing through Pinterest and trying not to fall asleep. I got home and I felt like crap. I was a little disgusted with myself for not doing ANYTHING productive.

No. I felt a lottle disgusted. (Lottle: more than a lot, direct opposite of little)

I got home, had some nourishment and promptly fell asleep. I’m pretty sure it was somewhere around 9, 9:30 when I went to bed. Not okay.

Today I determined I would find a more productive use of my time. And I’ve succeeded – ish.

I did some actual work [insert shocked expression here], printed a bunch of lead sheets for new songs I’m learning to play, wrote a couple emails I needed to write and studied my Temporary Nanny Orientation materials for class tomorrow. That lasted me ohhhhh four hours. Sigh.

SO I found a bunch of crochet patterns on line and printed them off, and now I’m blogging. What's a girl to do?

Money: Money is something I’ve had to learn to use responsibly the hard way. In college I fell susceptible to the beautiful web of lies credit card companies often spin for young adults away from home who don’t have their parent’s whispering words of wisdom in their ear.

I am grateful for the low limits I was given and am happy to say, I have one card left and it is almost paid off. It’s taken me 4 years out of college but I’m finally so close. Makes me want to dance like Snoopy…

I’ve been through the Financial Peace University, I have an account on mint.com, and I know how to do a budget. (I secretly have for years. shhh... don't tell anyone.) I’m a whiz at excel and I know I can make it work. I am just finally deciding it’s worth it to go through the pain, frustration and tweaking until I get it right.

I don’t want to be wasteful. I don’t want to feel like I’m not making good use of my time & money. I’m about to have a new job where I am my own boss. The money I make and the nanny jobs I take are solely dependent on me making sure I’m keeping up with my calendar and booking the jobs I need to book.

Yes, it gives me more opportunity to manage my own life, volunteer for more and work on the things I want to work on, but if I don’t book jobs, I don’t work. If I don’t work I don’t earn money and if that doesn’t happen well… I won’t go there.

Besides all that, I’m also about to depend on other people for financial support. As a missionary, I’m not expecting to draw a paycheck. I know I have to be VERY clear about where my money goes because people will ask. My supporters will want to know how I’m spending my time, what I’m doing to further God’s kingdom and where their money is being used.

I know God is Jehovah Jireh – my provider.  ^“So Abraham called that place ‘The Lord Will Provide’. And to this day it is said, ‘On the mountain of the Lord it will be provided. (Genesis 22:14 NIV-UK)”

I was raised on the belief that God will give you what you need. Maybe not everything you "want" but if you choose not to eat beans & rice for dinner because you've had it already this week and you're throwing a temper tantrum, then you can see that God will provide the same bowl of beans & rice for breakfast the next morning. (thanks mom & dad...)

I’m still apparently learning how to fully depend on Him for the gazillion things I seem to need. I’m also trying to learn how to live with less. I’m reading a book right now by Jen Hatmaker called. “7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess.” It’s really good.

Good at making me feel like I’m a glutton in every area of my life. Good at making me really stop and think about how much useless stuff I really have crammed into this little life of mine. She goes way in depth and looks at seven areas of our lives where we have too much stuff. Food. Clothes. Spending. Media. Possessions. Waste. Stress. It's heavy. It’s such a convicting book, I’ve stopped reading it. Twice.

It’s crazy. My friend Alison is actually currently writing a blog covering her “Summer of Seven.” She is fully focusing on the impact this book has on her life and the life of her beautiful blended family. You should check it out because it’s really honest and real.

Anyway. I feel I really am learning how not to be wasteful. It's a process & it’s hard. Not the same hard as not eating solid food for 60 days but difficult nonetheless. I desire to be a good steward of what God has given me, in every area of my life. And I know, with His help, I can be.

love. love. love.

“Come on Daddy! Walk faster!”

I recently had a passing conversation with a couple friends about what the importance of kneeling before God. Coach mentioned that she didn’t really remember ever really getting on her knees to pray & Mrs. Bear agreed it was not something she regularly did.

 This exchange has been ruminating in my mind since; several questions have been bouncing around all week. Is it important? What does it mean? Do people really do it? Do I really have to?

I mean come on… it’s just uncomfortable. It cuts off the circulation to my feet and leaves weird carpet marks on my knees and makes me stick my butt out all weird. What if people see? Is it really something that I’m missing in my relationship with Christ?

Then this morning in my devotion I re-read Ephesians 3:14-19 (MSG) and my perspective shifted.

Here, read it…

 ^14-19My response is to get down on my knees before the Father, this magnificent Father who parcels out all heaven and earth. I ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit—not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength—that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in. And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you'll be able to take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ's love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God.

We bow because we love Him. We get down on our knees (or sometimes our faces) and prostrate ourselves before God as a sign of submission. We humble ourselves and let go of everything we are and everything we feel we deserve and say, “Here God, have it… take every single part of me.”

In this fast, I find I am constantly failing. I am growing yes, I am being stretched and changed but I also fail - with a capital “F”.

Saying you are leaning on God for strength and actually leaning on Him are two very different things. Every day I find another area where I’m trying to accomplish things in my strength.

I love & hate this.

I love it because it means I’m growing and I’m listening more and more to the HS. I hate it because it means I have to change yet again. I have to bow down, give that part of me to Him, open that door and let Him in to that area of my heart.

In her book Hearing From God Each Morning Joyce Meyer says “People who are self-sufficient often think depending on God is a sign of weakness. But the truth is that by drawing on the ability of the HS, they can accomplish more in their lives than they ever could by working in their own strength”

(I know I’m stuck on this “His strength/my strength” kick lately but I just can’t help it. God is revealing more and more to me each day so if you’re bored with my rantings take it up with Him.)

When we humble ourselves, listen to the HS and allow Him in we find that “glorious inner strength” that Paul was talking about in Ephesians. We really, honestly, truly do not have the strength to face the things of this world.

We can’t help it! It’s how we were made. We were created to worship and depend on God. And He wants us to do it! It doesn’t bother him that I come to him day after day, time after time and ask for more strength, more forgiveness.

He loves it.

He loves me.

He wants me, all of me, every part.

So I try. I fail, but I try.

I walk beside God, hand in hand, like a little girl and her Father. He knows the speed I need to keep because there are cracks in the pavement. He is tall and wise and can see the path ahead so He keeps a steady pace. But I’m anxious; I’m excited & I feel like He’s moving to slow.

I pull on His hand, “Come on Daddy! Walk faster!” But He keeps His stride. So I pull and I press on and I pick up speed and let go of his hand.  He loves me enough to let me too. So I run and I’m happy and I’m excited and I don’t pay attention and I miss the crack in the sidewalk.

I fall. I bump my knee and it hurts. It stings and I’m bleeding. I fell in front of everyone and I’m embarrassed. I try to be brave but this pain really hurts and there are people looking. So I cry.

God walks up beside me, stoops down and holds me in His arms and comforts me. “It’s ok… I’ve got you now.” With love he wipes the tears from my eyes, kisses my forehead & bandages my wounds. We start to walk again, my little girl hand in His big, strong Daddy hand.

Someday I’ll learn. Someday I’ll recognize the soft squeeze of His hand and the gentle warning that I’m speeding up. I’ll hear his voice and feel the love and recognize that He knows best.

I cannot wait for that day.

Until then I will get on my knees. I will ask for strength. I will humble myself, die to my desires and let Him in. Let Him in so much that I feel I may burst. I will listen for His gentle warnings and I will surrender my desires for His will.

love. love. love.

Resumes & Missionaries aka: God's Perfect Plan

I cannot get over how amazing God is.

So we’re getting laid off at the end of this month right? Well my company is being awesome and providing us a months’ worth of services with this amazing company that helps you get your resumes together and learn how to market yourself. Well, with my future career change, (ie: leaving the corporate world to be a missionary) I wasn’t sure how my “career coach” would react to wanting to work on a non-traditional resume for the mission field.

Silly me… haven’t you learned by now that God is orchestrating this whole thing?

The gal who is assigned to be my counselor is not only a Christian, but her husband is in ministry & her son is attending university at Hillsong in Australia and she’s from CA & loves the Vineyard Movement. She loves going on mission trips & she can’t wait for the day when she doesn’t have to work so she can go on short term mission trips. Oh, did I mention both she & her husband have done stints as missionaries in the UK?

I just love Him!

We spent over an hour going over both my corporate world resume and my ministry resume. She is well versed in what is important to highlight for both and was very excited to be working with me. Multiple times in our session either she or I stopped the conversation just to express how amazing God is. **love it**

My favorite part was when she goes, “Well you know, from the beginning of your story he was planning this meeting. One thing I always say is 'nothing ever surprises God.'”

THAT'S WHAT IVE BEEN SAYING!!

I didn’t really need any more confirmation that this is where God wants me to go but… I got it.

A "few" corrections...

I got to spend an hour of my day today, sharing my heart and talking about my future with a stranger without having to explain that yes I want to leave the country and yes I want to be a missionary in an English speaking country and yes I know there are hurting people in Africa.

I now feel more prepared to look for work as a missionary than I ever have before. I am so thankful that I serve a faithful & thoughtful God. I cannot wait to get out there and see where He takes me.

I could not have planned this better myself. Believe me… I tried…

love. love. love.

Vow of Deliciousness

Getting back into juicing after taking several days off in rebellion has proved harder than I thought. My inner child has thrown tantrum after screaming tantrum because, "I don't want it!!!"

But with that same breath and in that same moment, I would be playing a song on my guitar singing away about how much I love God and how wonderful He is.

How could I live such a contradiction?

The answer is I can't. I lay in bed last night thinking about the war that is going on inside me. Who was I going to let win: my flesh or Him?

I decided it all hinged on this bowl of tomato soup. Endlessly bored of the cold juices, I made a soup with carrots and tomatoes and vowed it would be delicious or I would cry.

Good thing it was delicious.

So I'm sitting here filling up on this yumminess and I open my daily devotional app and start reading today's devotion. Its all about the Holy Spirit and the wonderful helper and friend that He is.

See, I love Joyce Meyer b/c she tells it like it is and doesn't beat around the bush. And I'm sitting here reading what she says about how sometimes people get saved and that's all well and good but they don't surrender everything to God and they never truly experience His fullness and calling and I realize that now I'm bawling.

And I stop and thank God for this amazing soup. And I tell Him how much I love Him and how I don't want to miss out on His plans for me.

And I continue on and read the rest of the devotion & the coinciding verses:

"We often struggle needlessly because we do not receive the help available to us. I encourage you to depend on Him, not on your own strength. Whatever you are facing, you don't have to go through it alone.

God's word for you today: Your worst day with God will be better than your best day without Him. The Holy Spirit is here to speak to you and help you in every way you need help today."

(From the book Hearing from God Each Morning by Joyce Meyer)

John 14:15-17 (MSG)

"If you love me, SHOW IT BY DOING WHAT I'VE TOLD YOU. I will talk to the Father, and he'll provide you another Friend so that you will always have someone with you. This Friend is the Spirit of Truth. The godless world can't take him in because it doesn't have eyes to see him, doesn't know what to look for. But you know him already because he has been staying with you, and will even be in you!"

(emphasis added by me to make you read it the way it smacked me in the face...)

So my Vow of Deliciousness was pointless because now the soup is delicious and I'm crying. But I'm crying b/c God is so awesome. He is so faithful and all I needed to do was trust that He IS working in me and He IS changing me bit by bit and He IS my strength in this.

So there you have it. I am full of the now devoured soup and I am filled to the top with His Loving Mercy to continue on for another day.

Surrendering is hard... but obvi-totes worth it. ;)

[obvi-totes: obviously + totally - originally coined by Schwan himself]

love. love. love.

Rebellion, Redemption, True Love.

There are times in your life when you look back and think… "Well, that was dumb." The last 4 days have been one such occasion for me.

5 days ago I was so hungry. I was tired, I was sick, I wasn’t getting enough nutrition, I was worn out and defeated. It seems as if the moment I uploaded my last blog, I completely forgot what I wrote, what God said and what I had resolved to do. But that’s a COMPLETLEY different story.

I am weak. I am human and I rebelled. I decided out of my own flesh to make a change to my fast. I decided that I needed to eat one meal in the afternoon. One uber-healthy, still very restrictive meal with a salad, beans, nuts and a veggie to round it out. I decided. Because I wouldn’t do it, I decided that it was okay with God and I gave myself an inch – just to survive.

I took a mile.

That one decision (no matter how sensible it seemed) was all it took to start me off on a 4 day rebellion.

I ate chicken, I ate potatoes, I ate bread, and I had a burrito, and rounded it all out with mac & cheese. There. I wasn’t gonna tell you but there’s no sense in being a cheater & a liar. ;) Believe me, I've paid dearly for this rebellion physically - but the spiritual repercussions have been the worst.

What the what?!

Yes, it was an emotional weekend, yes I was physically exhausted and getting ill, yes I was trying to be strong and yes I still have yet to learn how to let God be my strength.

Sigh.

God’s grace is new every morning. I am clinging to this truth so tightly this morning. I am back on the juice & juice alone. It’s is the beginning of a new month, I still have 40 days left to show God how serious I am.

What made me turn back around and step away from the cliff I was on the edge of?  Take good counsel and accept correction – that’s the way to live wisely and well.” – Proverbs 19:20 (MSG) The wise counsel of those people He has placed in my life to help me through this is the only reason I’ve come back.

I cannot express the depths of my gratitude for Mrs. Bear, Coach, Firestarter, and my dear sweet mother, among others.
Correction is not easy to hear. Rebellion is easy to justify to yourself, but explaining it to someone else in a way that makes it sound reasonable is an art form. I just so happen to think I am such an artist.

Wrong.

I love that there are people in my life who will tell me I have to make a choice. Either suck it up or change it but whatever that choice is I need to make it and stick to it. (mother)

I love that there are people who will offer up their precious evening hours with their husband to come over and help me prep my veggies – just so I can be set up for success. (Mrs. Bear)

I love that there are people in my life who will make sure I know they’re going to Costco so I can bulk buy my veggies to keep me stocked & make me use more. (Firestarter)

I love that I have a pastor who I can text and say I missed the prophetic word he gave on Sunday and he will type it up and email it to me so I don’t miss out on a promise from God. (PBob)

And I love that there are people in my life who will not stop bothering me, when I am obviously ignoring them completely because I don’t want to lie to them but I don’t want to tell them I haven’t juiced in 3 days and, NO I don’t want to talk about it and NO I don’t want to hear what they have to say but they don’t care & will use another type of social media to reach me until I respond because I refuse to text them back. (Coach)

So I come to you convicted, corrected, and humbled and say I am giving up. I am giving up control of this. I am done trying in my own strength to make it through this fast. Because when I try, I fail.

I leave you with this word my pastor gave on Sunday. Coach made me drag myself out of bed on Sunday and come to church. I missed worship & this word but arrived exactly in time for prayer. She told me I needed to hear this word and she was right.

Have faith friendlies. Abide in Him and you will be successful, because God doesn’t fail.

Prophetic Word
Pastor Bob Oliver
July 29, 2012 John 15

Abide my children in my love.  You abide in my love, as you abide – live – in me.  As you abide, you come to know my heart.  As you abide, you come to know my word, for you cannot abide in My Love and ignore My Word.  Have I not said “If you abide in Me and My Word abides in you – ASK whatever you wish, and it will be done?”  As you abide in me, your asking is in response to the moving of My Spirit.  At times the moving of My Spirit will be inconvenient to your flesh and at other times diametrically opposed to reason, but obey the promptings of My Spirit regardless of the cost.  The more difficult the assignment, the richer the reward.  I am giving you opportunities to prove your love for me.  Be sensitive to My Spirit.  Be listening for my Voice.  I will guide you with my hand upon your shoulder.  I intend to lead you into an increasingly abundant life by liberating your spirit to freely be at the disposal of and direction of My Spirit.  By this you will bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples!

love. love. love.