My mom sent me an email...

My mom sent me an email. My response was... well, less than brief. 

So I thought I'd share most of what I sent her. Lots of personal revelations and blah blah blah... :) 

Little bit of background: I've had an on-again off-again relationship with cigarettes since freshman year in college. Lately it's been more on-again than off. 

Gross.

So a week ago I asked my doctor for help to quit for good. He put me on some meds that are having a real effect on my life... for the better. 

Ahem: 

Hey mamma! Ready for a long response? Cause... basically, I wrote a blog.

My bad. 

I'm doing good. I'm doing better than I was a week ago that's for sure. Not only am I needing to smoke less, but I feel more productive in general. I don't have as much a desire to just lay in bed and sleep or watch TV on my phone. 

So that's a plus.  

I'm trying to really listen to God and figure out how He wants me to life my life. I feel like I've been straddling this line btwn living for me and living for Him for a long while.  

I've been asking and asking for God to give me "signs and directions" and blah blah blah. Fact of the matter is, I know the kind of life he wants me to live. But it requires sacrifice. And I know this. I've done it before and it's hard- it's hard to not be the "cool friend" that doesn't talk about God all the time.

It's hard to feel judged for trying to be righteous. 

It's hard enough to have "friends" who choose not to be around you bc you're "too good" and they feel convicted or feel like you're constantly judging them with your heart. 

Its harder when its people you really love and care about. I think I've been most afraid of how those people will react if I fully surrendered. I don't know if that's lame or silly or what but I really think it's one of the reasons I've even dragging my feet, asking and pleading for signs. 

And then I wipe the sleep from my eyes, blink, and look and see that I'm leading worship in kids church, I have my own worship team that I lead in "big church" (which is what i went to college to do- hello...) I'm teaching two workshops at our mini-worship camp this summer, I'm helping with VBS this year, my role in the children's dept. seems to grow every time I breathe (which I'm totally psyched about btw) and I'm getting more involved in women's ministry as well. 

A sign? How bout a zillion. 

I've discovered more this week about myself than I have in a while. And I really believe it's the meds. They're really helping me get control of the negativity and depression. I can't believe it took me this long. 

Sigh. So yeah. I'm good. :) I love you mamma. Keep praying for me. I know living full out for Christ is what I really long to do... It's just so hard to be set apart like that. I know though, that word after word after word has been spoken over me through out my life about the fact that I am to be set apart. That god has plans for my life that require me to be set apart. Not alone, but walking intimately with him. 

I can't keep living in the middle. I can't keep straddling what I think I want and what God wants. Without two feet on a firm foundation, I wobble and break. I have to trust God to take care of my heart. I have to trust God to take care of the hearts of the people I love that don't and won't understand why I live the way I live and sacrifice the things I do.

My heart aches for them, for their hearts. But my heart aches for God more. In the end, He wins. :) He has to. And He does. Every. Time. 

So that's where I'm at. I have to take care of me right now, inside and out.

Whew so yeah. There. You asked. ;) 

... 

And there you have it. A glimpse into the way my brain explodes  when my mom asks, "HOW ARE YOU???? INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW!!!" 

:) 

love. love. love. 

PS: here's an adorable picture of #holdenthecat because I can. It's my blog.